Tag: relationship

First Heartbreak

Weekends were my favorite with you.

Same routine, never faltering, completely systematic.

Our favorite shows and nail polish colors for Saturday mornings.

You loved them almost as much as I did.

I used to wake up missing you

So I would sneak to your bed beside you

Of course until you snored.

Movies on sundays were always your choice of course

Because I picked skating every Friday.

And when I left you at the end of the weekend

I could tell my friends the same story

About how great my daddy was.

Even if i only got to see him twice a month.

If he wasnt in a relationship.

Fast forward to 5th grade and your 5th wife.

I remember loving her.

And her children.

I felt love in a mandatory way.

It was as if I didnt love her

You wouldnt love me either.

You blamed me for the bruises you left

When I wouldnt give her child my property.

But she told you I acted out

So I guess it wasnt your fault.

Why would you believe me over her anyway?

Your trophy lied again about my behavior, but this time you were more tired than usual.

Her children were crying across the house

From my screams.

I couldnt sit right for a week.

The trophy convinced you I was crazy

So you got me a therapist.

Did you pay her to tell me I was crazy too?

But that’s how you knew to love me.

Fast forward and we are both older.

Me in eighth grade and you on your 6th wife.

I hated you and you knew it too

But i still sought your approval

In every choice i made.

We are 700 miles apart because I moved to Florida.

You weren’t happy.

And neither was I.

I wanted to move back to you.

Finally win your love.

But you ignored me any time I tried to talk to you.

You made me entertain her child while you fucked your new wife.

But it made you happy.

So I was happy.

7 years later and I’m nearly on my second decade.

And you are still with the same wife.

I’m proud of you.

You must love her between the threats of divorce she lingers over your head.

You refer to me as immature

And childish.

I wanted to show you my accomplishments

But if they arent academic then I’m unsuccessful.

You make time for me when you feel necessary

And manipulate me for not having the time

Or money

To visit you 700 miles away.

But you love your new boat.

I see the pictures on Facebook every weekend.

I try to talk about the scars you left

DONT PANIC THEY ARENT PHYSICAL

But the emotional ones placed heavily on my heart.

You ignore them.

Her children hold my heart together

Miraculously after all your breaks.

This was my first heartbreak.

As well as my second, third,

And so forth.

I still seek his approval.

His toxicity is rabid in my blood.

Maybe that’s why I cant walk away.

And attract those like him to me.

I dont speak of him with love

Nor respect.

He has lost that privilege.

My pain runs deeper than men who come and go.

My pain is the man who was my first love.

My hero.

The man who made me a priority

when there was not another woman on his arm.

My pain is not a sob story,

No, everyone has those.

My pain is strength.

But excuse my emotions when my voice shakes

If you do something similar

to the mistakes my dad would make.

Wants

I want to be the sunshine when your day is gloomy gray.

The soft touch that takes all your pain away.

The look that gives you butterflies

Even when when you want to run and hide.

I want to be the warmth you feel from your favorite handle

Or soft scented candle.

I want to make your fears feel destructive

Dissipating with my eyes, corruptive.

I want your good side,

Your wild mind,

Your drunk texts,

And I love yous.

Next,

I want your body on mine.

Intertwined.

Breathing as one.

Until the sun

Rises.

I want to be your refuge

From the world you feel that is against you.

I want to be your edge.

Your high.

Your drunken feeling

Off just one taste of me.

I want to promise,

And you to I

To never let something so surreal

Die.

Moon

The moon these days shines brighter than the sun.

It illuminates my naked soul

Because you left my world in darkness.

I watch the sun rise and set.

Clockwork.

Another day without you by my side.

Each day worse than the last.

Why would you hang the moon

If you weren’t willing to see me bare,

Unclothed, existence exposed for you to see?

Honey (01.04.19)

My sun and moon

You illuminate my world, every darkest crevice is brought to the light.

Like a child in a candy store, you’re my own personal heaven.

Your name is honey on my tongue

I’ve never tasted something so sweet.

Your voice ignites butterflies that flutter in the cage of my ribs.

Your lips leave a trail down my body, your path marks prickles on my skin, following behind your touch.

Your hands move as if they know their destination.

My body an old back road.

Your eyes hold mine, steady.

And our breath becomes one.

Your name is all I can think to say.

You’ve consumed all body, mind, and soul.

Your mind searches me

But for what?

I can feel you pull me closer.

My body burns for your touch.

With you, time stands still.

And I’m reminded why you are my greatest weakness

As your tongue dances across mine

Tasting just like honey.

The kind of…

He’s the kind of love that

Electrifies my body when he touches my skin.

The kind of love that

Makes me sick if I know we aren’t okay at night.

The kind of love that

Makes my heart beat faster than a 100 mile run.

The kind of love that understands

Even if I’m illogical.

He’s the kind of strong that

Everyone can see physically.

The kind or strong that

Puts my concerns before his own.

The kind of strong that

Shrugs it off to better himself in the process.

The kind of strong that

Allows his guard down when its him and I.

I’m the kind of love that

When I’m all in, there isn’t another soul in sight.

The kind of love that

Fights for you relentlessly, tirelessly, unfaultering.

The kind of love that

Dreams of what we will be in years to come.

The kind of love that

Falls asleep to the thought of you and wakes up the same way.

I’m the kind of strong that

Apologizes even if I dont always understand.

The kind of strong that

Handles myself, never asking for any help.

The kind or strong that

Wants to make life as enjoyable for us as possible, despite odds.

The kind of strong that

Wakes up every hour to move closer to you so the space between us withers.

We’re the kind of love that

Knows no bounds.

We’re the kind of strong that

Pushes one another to be the best.

We’re the kind of love that

Helps even when we aren’t asked.

We’re the kind of strong that

Overcomes cheap talk.

We’re the kind of love that

People wish they had.

We’re the kind of strong that

Was built to last.

12.22.2018 (12:09AM)

At night I get this feeling close to nausea.

Maybe I didnt drink enough water.

Maybe I moved too quickly.

Maybe I ate too much.

Maybe I’m homesick.

And by home, I mean you.

Yousick.

But not sick OF you.

Sick without you.

Not physically but mentally.

As if my home IS you

And I’m missing its security.

And its not like I lost you in any way.

That would be a whole other sickness I would bare.

But instead you fell asleep

After a phone call that lasted nearly two hours of pure ramblings.

And I’m wide awake, awestruck by you.

600 miles away and in love with every bit of us.

I should be dreaming but

You make my life a dream already.

And sure we have our tiffs.

But we have never failed to power through.

I love us. I would do anything for us.

And the most reassuring part is that you would too.

Only two days until I’m in your arms again.

Only two days until I’m back home.

You Can’t Live Without Me

You asked me before if I could live without you

To which I responded with, “yes”.

But my heart that beats inside my chest, beats for you.

And I know you think you could live without me too, I asked, you’re 100% sure that you knew.

But the truth is, you would be okay for only a moment or two.

But the search for me in every woman you meet would drive you crazy.

And it’s simply because you will never find someone who adores you so strongly in spite of every mistake, every flaw, every argument.

You will never find someone who recognizes her own faults and thanks you for loving her in spite of herself.

Or fights with kisses instead of words or punches.

You will never find someone who will defend you until she cannot stand, cannot speak anymore, and then some.

You will never find me in any other woman you encounter in your lifetime.

So yes you could live without me.

But now that you’ve met me, living a life without me would be the hardest thing you would do for as long as you live.