Weekends were my favorite with you.
Same routine, never faltering, completely systematic.
Our favorite shows and nail polish colors for Saturday mornings.
You loved them almost as much as I did.
I used to wake up missing you
So I would sneak to your bed beside you
Of course until you snored.
Movies on sundays were always your choice of course
Because I picked skating every Friday.
And when I left you at the end of the weekend
I could tell my friends the same story
About how great my daddy was.
Even if i only got to see him twice a month.
If he wasnt in a relationship.
Fast forward to 5th grade and your 5th wife.
I remember loving her.
And her children.
I felt love in a mandatory way.
It was as if I didnt love her
You wouldnt love me either.
You blamed me for the bruises you left
When I wouldnt give her child my ipod.
But she told you I acted out
So I guess it wasnt your fault.
You blamed me for talking back when your trophy told me to find her sunscreen.
Her children were crying across the house
From my screams.
I couldnt sit right for a week.
The trophy convinced you I was crazy
So you got me a therapist.
Did you pay her to tell me I was crazy too?
But that’s how you knew to love me.
Fast forward and we are both older.
Me in eighth grade and you on your 6th wife.
I hated you and you knew it too
But i still sought your approval
In every choice i made.
We are 700 miles apart because I moved to Florida.
You weren’t happy.
And neither was I.
I wanted to move back to you.
Finally win your love.
But you ignored me any time I tried to talk to you.
You made me babysit her child while you fucked your new wife.
But it made you happy.
So I was happy.
7 years later and I’m nearly on my second decade.
And you are still with the same wife.
I’m proud of you.
You must love her between the threats of divorce she lingers over your head.
You refer to me as immature
I wanted to show you my accomplishments
But if they arent academic then I’m unsuccessful.
You make time for me when you feel necessary
And manipulate me for not having the time
To visit you 700 miles away.
But you love your new boat.
I see the pictures on Facebook every weekend.
I try to talk about the scars you left
DONT PANIC THEY ARENT PHYSICAL
But the emotional ones placed heavily on my heart.
You ignore them.
Her children hold my heart together
Miraculously after all your breaks.
This was my first heartbreak.
As well as my second, third,
And so forth.
I still seek his approval.
His toxicity is rabid in my blood.
Maybe that’s why I cant walk away.
And attract those like him to me.
I dont speak of him with love
He has lost that privilege.
My pain runs deeper than men who come and go.
My pain is the man who was my first love.
The man who made me a priority
When there was not another woman on his arm.
My pain is not a sob story.
My pain is strength.
But excuse my emotions when my voice shakes
If you do something similar
To the mistakes my dad would make.