First Heartbreak

Weekends were my favorite with you.

Same routine, never faltering, completely systematic.

Our favorite shows and nail polish colors for Saturday mornings.

You loved them almost as much as I did.

I used to wake up missing you

So I would sneak to your bed beside you

Of course until you snored.

Movies on sundays were always your choice of course

Because I picked skating every Friday.

And when I left you at the end of the weekend

I could tell my friends the same story

About how great my daddy was.

Even if i only got to see him twice a month.

If he wasnt in a relationship.

Fast forward to 5th grade and your 5th wife.

I remember loving her.

And her children.

I felt love in a mandatory way.

It was as if I didnt love her

You wouldnt love me either.

You blamed me for the bruises you left

When I wouldnt give her child my ipod.

But she told you I acted out

So I guess it wasnt your fault.

You blamed me for talking back when your trophy told me to find her sunscreen.

Her children were crying across the house

From my screams.

I couldnt sit right for a week.

The trophy convinced you I was crazy

So you got me a therapist.

Did you pay her to tell me I was crazy too?

But that’s how you knew to love me.

Fast forward and we are both older.

Me in eighth grade and you on your 6th wife.

I hated you and you knew it too

But i still sought your approval

In every choice i made.

We are 700 miles apart because I moved to Florida.

You weren’t happy.

And neither was I.

I wanted to move back to you.

Finally win your love.

But you ignored me any time I tried to talk to you.

You made me babysit her child while you fucked your new wife.

But it made you happy.

So I was happy.

7 years later and I’m nearly on my second decade.

And you are still with the same wife.

I’m proud of you.

You must love her between the threats of divorce she lingers over your head.

You refer to me as immature

And childish.

I wanted to show you my accomplishments

But if they arent academic then I’m unsuccessful.

You make time for me when you feel necessary

And manipulate me for not having the time

Or money

To visit you 700 miles away.

But you love your new boat.

I see the pictures on Facebook every weekend.

I try to talk about the scars you left

DONT PANIC THEY ARENT PHYSICAL

But the emotional ones placed heavily on my heart.

You ignore them.

Her children hold my heart together

Miraculously after all your breaks.

This was my first heartbreak.

As well as my second, third,

And so forth.

I still seek his approval.

His toxicity is rabid in my blood.

Maybe that’s why I cant walk away.

And attract those like him to me.

I dont speak of him with love

Nor respect.

He has lost that privilege.

My pain runs deeper than men who come and go.

My pain is the man who was my first love.

My hero.

The man who made me a priority

When there was not another woman on his arm.

My pain is not a sob story.

My pain is strength.

But excuse my emotions when my voice shakes

If you do something similar

To the mistakes my dad would make.

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Wants

I want to be the sunshine when your day is gloomy gray.

The soft touch that takes all your pain away.

The look that gives you butterflies

Even when when you want to run and hide.

I want to be the warmth you feel from your favorite handle

Or soft scented candle.

I want to make your fears feel destructive

Dissipating with my eyes, corruptive.

I want your good side,

Your wild mind,

Your drunk texts,

And I love yous.

Next,

I want your body on mine.

Intertwined.

Breathing as one.

Until the sun

Rises.

I want to be your refuge

From the world you feel that is against you.

I want to be your edge.

Your high.

Your drunken feeling

Off just one taste of me.

I want to promise,

And you to I

To never let something so surreal

Die.

Bad habits 02.07.19

We used to speak of the future
Hope bright and words full of intent.
We dreamed of our future childrens’ names and locations to settle down.
Our bickering only led to fucking
Which ended with us falling asleep wrapped in one another.
But it never solved anything.
I saw the best in you.
I fell in love with you.
Or maybe the thought of us is what I gave my heart to.
I had to convince my soul you stopped caring, but my mind already knew.
I had to love and let go.
I had to relearn how to emotionally stabilize myself without relying on you.
You were the worst habit of all.

01.04.19 Thread

For once I want to be your gravity

Your sense of sanity and comfort.

I want us to build our sanctuary as a home

Where we can safely rest our heads

I spin, like a storm, I destroy myself with conversations I create.

And in your arms, beneath your lips,

I am safe once more.

As you tell me we are okay

You repeat that you only want what is best for me.

But who are you to determine where my happiness resides?

Who are you to decide I am best without you?

Who are you to tell me who I will love?

Do not push me away and blame the stars for their path.

Do not guilt trip yourself into thinking I am better without your head resting next to mine.

Do not love me as if walking away is just as easy

Communicate

We are given the gift of a lifetime.

A gift we share with one another.

A gift so delicate

And so dire

That our relationships are formed solely by this desire.

We use it every day.

To communicate.

To extricate.

To listen.

To draw attention

To the matters in our hearts.

But if not used correctly,

Or comprehended openmindedly,

We hinder.

Forfeit surrender.

And become consumed with our own personal offenders.

Our voices, actions, and emotions

Flow willingly from our soul.

Soft spoken.

To express our

Feelings.

Teachings.

Desires.

But our memories and experiences

Turn our sadness

Our anger

Our mourn

Into daggers.

Those daggers into wounds.

And those wounds into scars.

Both self inflicted and coerced.

Our hatred makes us ragged.

Our feelings turn us to stone.

Instead of using our gift of love

We turn around and treat it as a curse.

We yell at those we love.

And smile at the strangers on the street.

Because feelings that really run deep

Were only meant for the one in your sheets.

While we lock ourselves away.

The monsters run free in our brains.

No fairytale ending.

Or lovedrunk nights.

Just hatefulness.

Greed.

And a lifetime of spite.

People live in boxes.

Not just on the streets.

But in the mind of society.

Because it’s too difficult to teach.

Love is lost.

Hearts are broken.

This world of equality

Is equally unspoken.

Selfishness has ruled

And laws are for the lower classes.

Because anyone with money

Will buy themselves clean advances.

People question repeatedly:

‘What is wrong with our world today?’

But the answer is simple.

Our gift purposed for good

Is too often used for evil.

Strength

When I speak on behalf of my heart, I speak with intensity.

You will never hear me stutter when the words “I love you” slip from my tongue

And your name will always stay safe in my mouth.

My heart is a battlefield where many wars have been won.

However, many lives were lost, all in which belonged to me.

But with death came prosperity and within that prosperity, strength.

When I speak on behalf of my heart, I speak with intensity.

You will never hear me say I am incapable

Because just when I feel like dying, a stronger me arises instead.