Tag: shaping

First Heartbreak

Weekends were my favorite with you.

Same routine, never faltering, completely systematic.

Our favorite shows and nail polish colors for Saturday mornings.

You loved them almost as much as I did.

I used to wake up missing you

So I would sneak to your bed beside you

Of course until you snored.

Movies on sundays were always your choice of course

Because I picked skating every Friday.

And when I left you at the end of the weekend

I could tell my friends the same story

About how great my daddy was.

Even if i only got to see him twice a month.

If he wasnt in a relationship.

Fast forward to 5th grade and your 5th wife.

I remember loving her.

And her children.

I felt love in a mandatory way.

It was as if I didnt love her

You wouldnt love me either.

You blamed me for the bruises you left

When I wouldnt give her child my property.

But she told you I acted out

So I guess it wasnt your fault.

Why would you believe me over her anyway?

Your trophy lied again about my behavior, but this time you were more tired than usual.

Her children were crying across the house

From my screams.

I couldnt sit right for a week.

The trophy convinced you I was crazy

So you got me a therapist.

Did you pay her to tell me I was crazy too?

But that’s how you knew to love me.

Fast forward and we are both older.

Me in eighth grade and you on your 6th wife.

I hated you and you knew it too

But i still sought your approval

In every choice i made.

We are 700 miles apart because I moved to Florida.

You weren’t happy.

And neither was I.

I wanted to move back to you.

Finally win your love.

But you ignored me any time I tried to talk to you.

You made me entertain her child while you fucked your new wife.

But it made you happy.

So I was happy.

7 years later and I’m nearly on my second decade.

And you are still with the same wife.

I’m proud of you.

You must love her between the threats of divorce she lingers over your head.

You refer to me as immature

And childish.

I wanted to show you my accomplishments

But if they arent academic then I’m unsuccessful.

You make time for me when you feel necessary

And manipulate me for not having the time

Or money

To visit you 700 miles away.

But you love your new boat.

I see the pictures on Facebook every weekend.

I try to talk about the scars you left

DONT PANIC THEY ARENT PHYSICAL

But the emotional ones placed heavily on my heart.

You ignore them.

Her children hold my heart together

Miraculously after all your breaks.

This was my first heartbreak.

As well as my second, third,

And so forth.

I still seek his approval.

His toxicity is rabid in my blood.

Maybe that’s why I cant walk away.

And attract those like him to me.

I dont speak of him with love

Nor respect.

He has lost that privilege.

My pain runs deeper than men who come and go.

My pain is the man who was my first love.

My hero.

The man who made me a priority

when there was not another woman on his arm.

My pain is not a sob story,

No, everyone has those.

My pain is strength.

But excuse my emotions when my voice shakes

If you do something similar

to the mistakes my dad would make.

01.04.19 Thread

For once I want to be your gravity

Your sense of sanity and comfort.

I want us to build our sanctuary as a home

Where we can safely rest our heads

I spin, like a storm, I destroy myself with conversations I create.

And in your arms, beneath your lips,

I am safe once more.

As you tell me we are okay

You repeat that you only want what is best for me.

But who are you to determine where my happiness resides?

Who are you to decide I am best without you?

Who are you to tell me who I will love?

Do not push me away and blame the stars for their path.

Do not guilt trip yourself into thinking I am better without your head resting next to mine.

Do not love me as if walking away is just as easy

Communicate

We are given the gift of a lifetime.

A gift we share with one another.

A gift so delicate

And so dire

That our relationships are formed solely by this desire.

We use it every day.

To communicate.

To extricate.

To listen.

To draw attention

To the matters in our hearts.

But if not used correctly,

Or comprehended openmindedly,

We hinder.

Forfeit surrender.

And become consumed with our own personal offenders.

Our voices, actions, and emotions

Flow willingly from our soul.

Soft spoken.

To express our

Feelings.

Teachings.

Desires.

But our memories and experiences

Turn our sadness

Our anger

Our mourn

Into daggers.

Those daggers into wounds.

And those wounds into scars.

Both self inflicted and coerced.

Our hatred makes us ragged.

Our feelings turn us to stone.

Instead of using our gift of love

We turn around and treat it as a curse.

We yell at those we love.

And smile at the strangers on the street.

Because feelings that really run deep

Were only meant for the one in your sheets.

While we lock ourselves away.

The monsters run free in our brains.

No fairytale ending.

Or lovedrunk nights.

Just hatefulness.

Greed.

And a lifetime of spite.

People live in boxes.

Not just on the streets.

But in the mind of society.

Because it’s too difficult to teach.

Love is lost.

Hearts are broken.

This world of equality

Is equally unspoken.

Selfishness has ruled

And laws are for the lower classes.

Because anyone with money

Will buy themselves clean advances.

People question repeatedly:

‘What is wrong with our world today?’

But the answer is simple.

Our gift purposed for good

Is too often used for evil.

Strength

When I speak on behalf of my heart, I speak with intensity.

You will never hear me stutter when the words “I love you” slip from my tongue

And your name will always stay safe in my mouth.

My heart is a battlefield where many wars have been won.

However, many lives were lost, all in which belonged to me.

But with death came prosperity and within that prosperity, strength.

When I speak on behalf of my heart, I speak with intensity.

You will never hear me say I am incapable

Because just when I feel like dying, a stronger me arises instead.

The kind of…

He’s the kind of love that

Electrifies my body when he touches my skin.

The kind of love that

Makes me sick if I know we aren’t okay at night.

The kind of love that

Makes my heart beat faster than a 100 mile run.

The kind of love that understands

Even if I’m illogical.

He’s the kind of strong that

Everyone can see physically.

The kind or strong that

Puts my concerns before his own.

The kind of strong that

Shrugs it off to better himself in the process.

The kind of strong that

Allows his guard down when its him and I.

I’m the kind of love that

When I’m all in, there isn’t another soul in sight.

The kind of love that

Fights for you relentlessly, tirelessly, unfaultering.

The kind of love that

Dreams of what we will be in years to come.

The kind of love that

Falls asleep to the thought of you and wakes up the same way.

I’m the kind of strong that

Apologizes even if I dont always understand.

The kind of strong that

Handles myself, never asking for any help.

The kind or strong that

Wants to make life as enjoyable for us as possible, despite odds.

The kind of strong that

Wakes up every hour to move closer to you so the space between us withers.

We’re the kind of love that

Knows no bounds.

We’re the kind of strong that

Pushes one another to be the best.

We’re the kind of love that

Helps even when we aren’t asked.

We’re the kind of strong that

Overcomes cheap talk.

We’re the kind of love that

People wish they had.

We’re the kind of strong that

Was built to last.

2018

I woke up from a dream.

I’m all hazy.

I woke up from a dream.

It was crazy.

Where the sun had an expiration date.

And the air we breathe was about to dissipate.

And the freedom we were once guaranteed

Was now ripped bloody from our hands,

No longer pristine.

The little girls grow up without fathers.

The little boys grow up to protect their mothers.

Those of color must watch what they say otherwise they are considered uneducated, lazy, and without a brain.

America invites: “Welcome to the bubble”

But you’ll be shot if you so much as mumble.

And the invitation is only to the rich.

If you’re in need of our shelter:

“To hell with it”.

The water has turned black from our “fearless leaders”

Cowarding in the shadows from the intellectuals who are ready to summon their personal grim reapers.

Protests.

Fires.

Earthquakes.

Desires.

Hurricanes.

Flooding.

Extinction.

Please hurry.

The land is filled with trash.

And I’m not just talking about politics.

“Reduce, Reuse, Recycle”

will be remembered in history books

Rather than a motto to live by.

Babies are dying.

Mothers keep crying.

Husbands stay cheating.

Wives continue smiling.

Car accidents.

Rare Illnesses.

Freak incidents.

Upsetting circumstances.

Taking lives left and right.

When did life become so uptight?

The world is falling apart.

People continue to hide in the dark.

Like mice, they flee when the lights turn on.

But no one says a word.

Because time is almost up.

I woke up from a dream.

But this dream was just a recap of 2018.

Shaped

I was told I was shaped as an hour glass.

As in time running out

As in my gradient slowly slipping away.

I was told I was shaped as a pear.

As in sweet like candy.

As in my existence forgotten by most.

I was told my figure was rounded.

As in talented.

As in likeable.

But I guess it depends who you ask.

because to some I relate easily

but to others, they never even catch my name.

Instead they will call me by my shape

and forget my face.